Things I Learned in 2012

·         How “normal” people think – after being prescribed pills for what I described to my doctor as hysteria (hormonally induced – you know, paranoia, rage, etc.) and what he called anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills (to which I responded hysterically – “I am not anxious, I’m the most relaxed person in my family” ) my brain relaxed and I realized this is how other people see the world – wow!!! 

 

·         If you say to your doctor, “I need you to treat me for hysteria” they get a panicky look. This year a movie was released, called hysteria, in which the original treatment prescribed was manual masturbation performed on the woman by the doctor and because of problems developed in the doctors, like carpal tunnel syndrome, the dildo was invented as a medical tool. Poor man my doctor – who looked horrified by my question and asked “what do you mean?”.

 

·         Hard alcohol – should not be imbibed when taking anti-anxiety pills such as Cymbalta – regardless of how sophisticated and inoffensive they sound – chocolate martini, sidecar – all have the same effect – total memory loss the next day (the up side – got to “open” my xmas presents twice; the down side – wasted many hours preparing fabby dinners for guests that I remember nothing about).

 

·         Annual Review – that my bosses (Den and Steve) believe me to be the most offensive and inappropriate, but highly successful because of it, consultant they have ever seen – they have finally realized that it works for me and have promised to stop worrying and grimacing and let me get on with it.

 

·         My staff - see me as a loveable, potty-mouthed lush who is late for everything – Xmas presents this year were identified as naughty (creative cursing book) and nice (see it, mix it, drink it – cocktail book).

 

·         My co-workers have a bizarre combination of respect  and no respect for me – as is evidenced at every Systemscope get-together where I become the butt of all jokes – “Lindsay is out there keeping her ear to the ground” – “Yeah, that is because she is passed out” – and many others.

 

·         That I need to be a bit more judicious when taking cracks at organizations like TBS as I have managed to incense a few people this year… I will do better… I will think first… I will…

 

·         That you can buy underwear with little rubber lines on the part that goes along your bum cheeks – instead of elastic which makes a nasty fat bottom squeezy line, these just cling to your ass without causing any underwear lines – amazing!

 

·         That using the expression “my happy hole”, regardless of how sound the context and how innocently delivered on a television program, is something that you will never be allowed to live down.

 

·         That doctors do mix up patient records with some frequency – after an experience Rod had this year I was reminded of an incident a few years ago when I was called back to the walk-in-clinic that I had visited the previous week because of extreme pain in knees, legs and hips. I didn’t understand why the doctor wanted to see me again as she had already prescribed arthritis pills and physio and sent me on my way. However I dutifully trotted down to the clinic where she smiled, opened my chart and said – “I can now confirm that you have gonorrhea” – to which I replied “you can tell that from a hip x-ray?”

 

·         That it is a good thing to fight all of your natural hard-nosed Scottish instincts and write personal cards to your staff saying all sorts of mushy things about why you are so pleased that you work together (took a lot of wine though and the handwriting was nearly illegible – probably a good thing).

 

·         Just when you start feeling good about losing a bit of  weight (trousers fit better) your spouse will look at you naked and be sure to say something helpful like “I can see you have lost weight – your boobs are smaller and there is more loose skin around your stomach”

 

·         Just because you are getting older and complacent, you musn’t get lazy about your physical appearance – get your hair done (on time), get your brows professionally waxed, make an effort to smell great, look after your skin, get some tarty clothes that make you feel sexy, always wear a bit of slap – but sadly, don’t expect anyone else to notice.

 

Over and Out