Familiars in the Workplace: Part 2

I began to ponder my situation and wondered why it is that I have been so lucky to have been delivered a familiar when so few other women of my ilk seem to have one. Upon further reflection, I realized that many women (just like me until last week) may have a familiar in their life, but may not have come to the realization yet of this tremendous gift and who their familiar might be.

 

In an effort to bring the same quality of joy that my familiar brings to me in my life’s work, to that of other professional women, I have undertaken a course of intense scholarly research in which I have identified a core set of qualities/characteristics associated with familiars.

 

To be clear, my scholarly resource (to which I subscribe at the rate of $50 per year delivered to a guy called Jimmy), I believe to be both indisputable and to be a representative summary of the corpus of historical research in this domain.  

 

Working backwards from the datum provided via this scholarly site, I have determined the following core characteristics that have been used for centuries in the identification of familiars (and in their subsequent prosecution along with their witch companions).

 

Being the consultant that I am, and inspired by my colleagues at the Treasury Board Secretariat, I have taken my research and developed it so that is may be employed in the form of an “assessment tool” - generic enough that may be used in any workplace to determine whether or not there might be a familiar in the midst.

 

6 Simple Ways To Identify If An Employee Is Indeed Your Familiar (An Assessment Tool)

 

1.       Have you made an agreement or a pact with this person?

2.       Do they have a down-to-earth name or an affectionate nickname? (like Keith or Bob or Lard-Bag - as opposed to Beelzebub, Mephistopheles or Balor)

3.       Did they initially spontaneously appear before you - without your direct summons? (It is well know that the familiar finds you, you do not find the familiar).

4.       Did they come to you as a “gift” or “referral” from another professional woman or related business?

5.       Did they arrive offering to “help you” in some way?

6.       Do they look like a regular person?  OR, are they odd looking in some way – having some deformity or in some way resemble a demon?

 

If you answered yes to 3 or more of the above questions then you may likely have a familiar in your employ.

 

My extensive research did not, however, reveal any practical tips for maintaining the relationship with you familiar so I have provided below, for your convenience dear readers, some observations of my own on the care and nurturing of your familiar.

 

Care and Nurturing of Your Familiar

·         Once identified, your job now is to nurture the relationship with your familiar, apprentice them in your “magical” ways and slowly release them upon your clients to perpetuate your own cunning/evil/magic in your own style.

·         Treat your familiar well. Instill in them the need to protect you and ensure they are well versed in the areas in which you are most dangerous to yourself so they may remain constantly vigilant about potential threats (e.g. over-indulgence in alcohol, distracted driving, excessive flirtation, habitual tardiness etc.).

·         Feed them regularly - a lunch here, a sandwich there and the occasional home-made brew (e.g. pea soup) will go far in further instilling the familiar’s loyalty and connection to you.

·         Whether your familiar takes on a human or animal form, scent will be important in developing an even stronger connection. Ensure that your scent remains appealing and consistent so as not to confuse your familiar. Similarly, consider influencing the scent of your familiar (via the liberal application of various unguents, if indeed your familiar is so inclined as to allow, or the more discreet means of supplying gifts of scent to said familiar).

·         Praise your familiar, though ostensibly their job is to support you, it is important to keep your familiar happy too.

·         Again, whether in human or animal form, touch your familiar regularly to maintain a physical bond – a scratch behind the ears, a linked arm, a tickle on the tummy will all contribute to the general sense of well-being of your familiar.

·         Regularly remind your familiar of their total reliance on you - that “if you go down, so too will they”.