Naked Desert Island Discs - Ottawa Style

I have for some time now been listening with great appreciation, via podcasts in the car, to the 70 years plus running BBC radio show called Desert Island Discs.

Interviewing noteworthy folks (such as artists, writers, entertainers, philanthropists, philosophers, physicists – you name it) the premise and the format is this:

·         The interviewee is to be made a castaway on a desert island. They may take with them 5 music tracks that have in some way influenced their lives or that will sustain them on the island, a book (they are already supplied with the bible - may substitute other religious work - and the collected works of William Shakespeare) and a luxury (not a person and not something that will help them get off the island)

·         The interviewer begins with a brief bio, takes them through their life story (focusing on the interesting bits) and the music tracks are interspersed throughout.

·         At the end they have to choose only 1 of the 5 tracks, the book and the luxury.

Naked Desert Island Discs – Ottawa Style will feature interviews (narrative not audio) with denizens of Ottawa – current, former and visitors.

My take is that everyone is interesting (not just the famous) and I plan to interview all sorts of “ordinary” people to discuss their unique life experiences and perspectives.

What do you folks think?

The interviews need to follow a fairly standard script – initial thoughts are (but looking for feedback):

·         Starts with a little bio of the interviewee highlighting key areas of interest

·         Relationship to me (old friend, client, neighbour, never met…)

·         Relationship to Ottawa

·         Background – how would you describe your life and yourself as a young person/teenager?

·         What is the worst thing you ever did?

·         Describe your education

·         Which Professional do you admire (sports, academe, entertainment etc.) and why?

·         Current role/position/job – how did you get here?

·         Best things that happened in career/job?

·         Worst things that happened in career/job?

·         What is next for you? What do you see in the future?

·         Marriage – how many, how is it going – did it meet expectations?

·         Dream job or what you would be doing if not this

·         Your take on Canada – what makes you happy to be a Canadian

Life Hacks and Life Tips from the Naked IM Professional

Having just reviewed an excellent series of life hacks provided by the TwistedSifter (and via my favourite minion)

http://twistedsifter.com/2013/01/50-life-hacks-to-simplify-your-world/

I spent last evening imbibing cheap portuguese red, smoking pipe-tobacco cigars and documenting various bits of wisdom accumulated from a variety of sources (girlfriends, magazines, family members) over this 45 year life. Here's hoping this wisdom will serve  others well - please post your best ones in the comments.

Hair Conditioner:

·         use it instead of shaving cream for legs, underarms and a man’s face – provides a good slippery environment for shaving and leaves you moisturized (great for travelling if you don’t want to carry too many bottles with you) – way better than soap
·         use it instead of moisturizing with a cream after the shower (which is a step that takes too long and can leave you gooey) – slap it all over your body in the shower – saving time and making skin feel silkier

Salt Scrubs:

Instead of leaving them in the shower for occasional/rare all over body use
o   Use at a spa or gym – where the slippery residue doesn’t remain in the bottom of your shower for your partner to wipe out on in the morning
o   (thanks Kathleen) Leave by the sink and use for your hands – which are usually most in need of sloughing off and moisturizing at the same time

Bedside Table Lazy Girl Kit:

·         Facial wipes (for a quick cleanup when you can’t be bothered with a proper wash – which is most nights for me)
·         Night time eye and/or face cream – hey if you have wiped your face clean why not moisturize while reading your book?
·         Hand cream (slap it on while reading your book in bed)
·         Same applies for foot cream and while you are at it, have a go at those dry and knobbly elbows…

Morning Facial Moisturizing:

·         Use a cream with an SPF factor (why in the world would you want to have to apply two products?)
·         Use extra and rub on neck, chest and back of hands – which get tons of sun and we rarely protect, never mind moisturize….
·         If scent is important (and it is huge for me), don’t keep looking for a prepared cream that provides a smell you like, buy an essential oil from aveda or escents that really appeals to you and add to a bland, non-perfumed (Neutrogena) or blank carrier cream (Escents)

Essential Car Kit:

·         Hand cream – you are looking at those lizard skinned hands on the steering while at a traffic light, why not slap on some hand cream now?
·         A light scent (like those sold as Aroma Spray Mists by Escents) that you can spray on to make you feel fresh and clean when hot and sweaty in the summer, or when you stink like chinese food or cigars – makes you feel great, is just perceptible to others in a very fresh way but fades quickly and NEVER makes people say – “oh, are you wearing perfume? I have sensitivities you know…..”
·         Any moisturizing skin or eye cream that says “skin brightening” – slap it on at a traffic light – this assumes that you haven’t applied any fancy makeup yet – definitely not me by the time I am on the morning commute
·         Those single handed flossers – not the reusable kind that Rod uses (yuck) but the one use throw away kind – stuck on the Queensway, why not floss teeth? One hand in mouth, other on steering wheel.
·         Box of tissues – somewhere you can easily reach – my preference is jammed attractively somewhere on the left side of the dash board. Still haven’t figured out how to blow nose and drive though. Tissues also useful in wiping residual hand cream off steering wheel which has become hard to manage….
·         Bottle of water and container of ibuprofen… enough said.
·         Gum and mints or anything that will freshen your mouth up between meetings, after lunch etc. or after you have flossed teeth and now have very nasty taste in mouth.
·         In winter – a pair of wicked winter boots (the ones you wear only when you go to cut down the Xmas tree or shovel the driveway), a nasty but extremely warm hat and some ridiculous Inuit style mittens – that way you can drive off to work in your ludicrous high-heeled unlined vinyl high-heeled boots and thin leather gloves but know that if you get stuck somewhere you can re-equip and look after yourself without looking like a total loser.
·         Jumper cables – seriously who doesn’t have their own?????
·         Survival kit (of the kind you purchase from Canadian tire with foldup shovel, flares, matches, candle and emergency blanket) – hmmmm sounds like the making of a romantic interlude??

Silk Pillow Case:

·         Apparently will keep your hair from getting all mussed up overnight as it does on cotton pillows – reducing need to wash and redo the next day – saving time

Washer and Dryer: (yours or in the building you live in)

·         Wash the lint screen with hot water and soap as the gunge from dryer sheets coats the mesh over time thus reducing the efficiency of the dryer
·         Also, don’t forget to occasionally pull out and clean the tiny little gooey and horrible lint screens in your washer (yes there are some) and occasionally do a “false wash” with some vinegar to clean the inside of the washer – it too gets icky.

Feminine hygiene:

·         Never wear Always (that’s what the gynecologists say as this brand is particularly harsh on sensitive skin and can make you inflamed and itchy - yuck)
·         If you are a heavy bleeder take ibuprofen – it will actually reduce the amount you bleed - NSAIDs such as ibuprofen and naproxen block the protein prostaglandin that makes heavy menstrual bleeding worse – who knew?
·         At that particularly bad time of the month put an old towel under you in the bed (I use what we now call dog towels). Saves having to continually strip the bed and soak sheets.

Dressing your kids:

·         Some women dress their kids before bed, thus obviating all the crap associated with getting kids dressed in the morning – as long as the clothes are clean who cares if a bit wrinkled?

Makeup:

·         Curl your eyelashes instead of wearing mascara – looks just as good but gives your eyelashes a healthier life over time – mascara makes them more likely to break, which only gets worse as you get older
·         Don’t tweeze facial hairs (just makes them worse), cut if you must, laser hair removal is best…
·         The most important makeup if you cannot afford the time for any other, I am told by professionals, is to lighten the area below and above your eyes to make you look like you had a good night’s sleep over a bad night’s sleep AND make sure your eyebrows are shaped and darkened (with a pencil or however you want) particularly for older women because as you get older the colour in your eyebrows fades (test this by doing one eye and then comparing to the other)
·         Any moisturizing skin or eye cream that says “skin brightening” – god knows we could all use some skin brightening
·         Any lipstick that doesn’t stain your mouth or make your lips feel like they may gum together – ick – Boots #7 is amazing – sheer and I use it like a lip balm it is so light

Lemon Juice (my Mother-in-law):

·         Will take the stink of fish, onions and garlic off your hands (also those funky stainless steel balls they sell for the purpose). My own mother handles this by wearing surgical gloves – too far out for me but that's my Mum -  I hail from a house that friends used to say smelled like a dentist's office because it was always sooo crazy clean)

Nose Grease (my father’s trick - with a Scottish accent is sounds like Greeeze):

·         Rub a lightbulb down the sides of your nose before screwing it into a light fixture – provides just the right amount of lube to make sure that it screws in smoothly and more importantly, will come out easily without breaking when it is time to remove.
·         Works also for screws of course

Chicken Fat (another from my Dad):

·         When you are taking a cooked chicken apart, get in there and get messy, and then rub all the fat and goo that is on your hands well into your hands before washing them – it is a great moisturizer
·         Also don’t forget the lovely two little tenderloins on the underside of the chicken – little ovals – they are the yummiest part of the chicken and most people don’t bother messing with the underside - I love messing with the underside as many of you know ;-)

Dryer sheets:

·         Rub them on your stockings (you should be in your stockings at the time) to reduce static cling with your clothes
·         Layer them in your drawers (that would be your chest of drawers) to keep any funky musk smell out of clothes that are not used often (also good if you put certain clothes away for particular seasons when they often grow very musky)

Shoe Care (from my Mum):

·         Every night when you take your shoes off (well that’s my Mum, not me), wipe them down to take away dust and dirt and give them a quick spray and rub with a spray furniture polish – creates a nice strong layer of protection on the shoes or boots – particularly if you are not a regular shoe polisher (like me) - don't forget the heels
·         Use shoe trees for any pointy toed shoes otherwise the points start to rise up towards you as the leather dries – trees will keep the toes on the ground

Travelling:

·         Conditioner instead of shave cream – as mentioned above
·         Steal hotel bottles to refill with your own preferred unguents for subsequent trips – definitely steal shower caps (and deliver to me as they are becoming harder to find) and always take the shoe polishers and sewing kits – they are so useful to keep in your briefcase for daily work use
·         Always travel with a few plastic grocery store bags or some zip lock bags of different sizes – kids will pick up stinky shells and pinecones that need to be contained – as does smelly old underwear…
·         Always bring your own tea bags on a trip – hotels tend to offer fancy and non-desirable black teas – a bag of Tetley will get you through hard times on the road (steal little milkettes whenever you can on your trip so you can make a decent cup of tea in that crappy little coffee maker)
·         Bring a tiny little speaker set for your iphone so you can listen to music in your hotel room ($15) – makes the stay away sooooo much nicer
·         Bring a safe little candle to burn in your hotel bathroom - I recently stayed in a nice hotel with no fan in the bathroom (GAG)

Lint:
·         Wrap hand in tape with sticky side facing out – packing, duct or masking – and use as a lint remover

Loose threads (Balazs):

·         Never pull at a loose thread on clothing – anything might happen – instead of cutting it, use the tailor’s trick of burning it off with a match or lighter .. don’t know why but I didn’t attend 4 years of tailor’s school like he did…

Red wine accidents:

·         Grab nearest bottle of white wine and pour all over red wine stain – blot it out gently – club soda also good but often not as near at hand….

Finding your lost hamster, gerbil etc.

·         Borrow a squirrel catching cage and load up with food – gets them every time (unless, of course, they are already dead by this time)

Cooking:

·         Get a slow cooker and use it – there are lots of good recipes (really there are) where you just dump ingredients in with no advance browning or other fuss, and the meal is ready when you return home (note there are also lots of lousy recipes where everything tastes like carrots in sauce and the very best ones do usually involve pre-work – but don’t despair there are good ones out there – eschew the cookbooks and turn to friends for the best ones)
Slow cookers are also a great way of:
o   making a real meal in a bed-sit or a dorm that has no oven
o   getting kids to make a meal without worrying about them burning themselves
o   making soups, chilis, spag sauces etc. without the fear of burning them by leaving them on the stove to cook (my specialty) – start on the stove and then plonk into the slowcooker for long, slow cooking
·         Use your toaster oven instead of the cooker when dealing with small amounts of food – huge energy savings and prevents overall buildup of muck in oven which is such a pig to finally clean – Rod also covers the baking tray with foil so major cleanup is not involved (such a wastrel)
·         Start a cooking club with friends where each time a different person hosts (Saturday morning?) and chooses 2 to 4 of their best go-to recipes – they buy the ingredients for all the participants – you show up with money in your hand for ingredients and some containers (maybe even a slow cooker), spend a few hours with friends catching up and drinking coffee (or mimosas) while preparing food – you leave with 2 to 4 ready-made meals, the recipes that go with them and a great sense of (hiccup) accomplishment
·         Never, ever, make a single-eat meal – always double the effort and freeze for a second meal
·         The next time you make home-made cheese biscuits (contact me for details) or a similar flour-based mixture, double the dry ingredients and put half in a jar with instructions for the remaining wet ingredients to add - your partner or your kids will see it as a cake or brownie mix and will feel that they can too make this “from scratch” recipe (I am a genius!)
·         The next time you make any cookies or biscuits or similar from scratch, double the recipe and give the second half to a friend or neighbour. No skin off your nose really, and you train them to do the same for you.

Underwear

·         You can get underwear now that have these little rubber lines on the part that goes along your bum cheeks – instead of elastic which makes a nasty fat bottom squeezy line, these just cling to your ass without causing any underwear lines – amazing!
·         Apparently bamboo underwear are great and breathable – for those itchy twitchy times…. see feminine hygiene aboves (thanks Kate)

Coping with Septic Systems

·         Put ground beef down there every once in a while (through garburator ?) creates some kind of magic enzymatic action (Crystal from the Cheshire Cat)
·         Only use single ply toilet paper (not soft I know, but treat yourself to some of those nice chamomile soaked wet wipes and keep on the toilet tank - that is what the Austrians do)
·         Train your city guests to be respectful of your septic system – it is a living organism and part of the family – supply garbage cans with swing top lids so people don’t have to look at what must go in them to keep the septic healthy

Coping with Hard Water

·         Find teas designed for hard water (in UK they specify which teas are good for soft and which for hard water) – we recommend Yorkshire tea, many Scottish teas also
·         When your shampoo and soap stops lathering properly time to add more salt to the water softener
·         Descale kettle regularly by boiling with some vinegar in it – do a lot of rinsing afterwards
·         Don’t use abrasive detergents in your dishwasher (anything acidic like lemon or orange) as they will contribute to the horrible smoking of your glass ware and the pitting of your silverware (stainless steel too)
·         Also, don’t let different metals touch in the cutlery tray in the dishwasher

Buttering the Girdle for Pancakes (my granny)

·         Scoop a dollop of butter or margarine out of the container using a kitchen towel (paper towel for you Canadians). Twist the top of the kitchen towel around the dollop (so it looks like a little sack that a leprechaun would carry). Holding the top of the sack, rub the wrapped knob of butter over the bottom of the hot girdle (know to the English as a griddle). Will provide perfect coverage without too much butter so the pancakes don’t fry in butter. Repeat before making each pancake.

Getting rid of Rats (Balazs’ dad – the Vet - really horrible)

·         Catch a rat, burn its eyes out with a cigarette – the screeching of the rat will terrify the others – apparently this is a magic solution (eeek)

 

 

 

Things I Learned in 2012

·         How “normal” people think – after being prescribed pills for what I described to my doctor as hysteria (hormonally induced – you know, paranoia, rage, etc.) and what he called anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills (to which I responded hysterically – “I am not anxious, I’m the most relaxed person in my family” ) my brain relaxed and I realized this is how other people see the world – wow!!! 

 

·         If you say to your doctor, “I need you to treat me for hysteria” they get a panicky look. This year a movie was released, called hysteria, in which the original treatment prescribed was manual masturbation performed on the woman by the doctor and because of problems developed in the doctors, like carpal tunnel syndrome, the dildo was invented as a medical tool. Poor man my doctor – who looked horrified by my question and asked “what do you mean?”.

 

·         Hard alcohol – should not be imbibed when taking anti-anxiety pills such as Cymbalta – regardless of how sophisticated and inoffensive they sound – chocolate martini, sidecar – all have the same effect – total memory loss the next day (the up side – got to “open” my xmas presents twice; the down side – wasted many hours preparing fabby dinners for guests that I remember nothing about).

 

·         Annual Review – that my bosses (Den and Steve) believe me to be the most offensive and inappropriate, but highly successful because of it, consultant they have ever seen – they have finally realized that it works for me and have promised to stop worrying and grimacing and let me get on with it.

 

·         My staff - see me as a loveable, potty-mouthed lush who is late for everything – Xmas presents this year were identified as naughty (creative cursing book) and nice (see it, mix it, drink it – cocktail book).

 

·         My co-workers have a bizarre combination of respect  and no respect for me – as is evidenced at every Systemscope get-together where I become the butt of all jokes – “Lindsay is out there keeping her ear to the ground” – “Yeah, that is because she is passed out” – and many others.

 

·         That I need to be a bit more judicious when taking cracks at organizations like TBS as I have managed to incense a few people this year… I will do better… I will think first… I will…

 

·         That you can buy underwear with little rubber lines on the part that goes along your bum cheeks – instead of elastic which makes a nasty fat bottom squeezy line, these just cling to your ass without causing any underwear lines – amazing!

 

·         That using the expression “my happy hole”, regardless of how sound the context and how innocently delivered on a television program, is something that you will never be allowed to live down.

 

·         That doctors do mix up patient records with some frequency – after an experience Rod had this year I was reminded of an incident a few years ago when I was called back to the walk-in-clinic that I had visited the previous week because of extreme pain in knees, legs and hips. I didn’t understand why the doctor wanted to see me again as she had already prescribed arthritis pills and physio and sent me on my way. However I dutifully trotted down to the clinic where she smiled, opened my chart and said – “I can now confirm that you have gonorrhea” – to which I replied “you can tell that from a hip x-ray?”

 

·         That it is a good thing to fight all of your natural hard-nosed Scottish instincts and write personal cards to your staff saying all sorts of mushy things about why you are so pleased that you work together (took a lot of wine though and the handwriting was nearly illegible – probably a good thing).

 

·         Just when you start feeling good about losing a bit of  weight (trousers fit better) your spouse will look at you naked and be sure to say something helpful like “I can see you have lost weight – your boobs are smaller and there is more loose skin around your stomach”

 

·         Just because you are getting older and complacent, you musn’t get lazy about your physical appearance – get your hair done (on time), get your brows professionally waxed, make an effort to smell great, look after your skin, get some tarty clothes that make you feel sexy, always wear a bit of slap – but sadly, don’t expect anyone else to notice.

 

Over and Out

Dinner Preparation - Naked IM Professional Style

Make-Ahead Meal - Rosemary Chicken with Zucchini

Fact: Real Simple Magazine Recipe as experienced by the Naked IM Professional

Buy:

·         1 lb new potatoes

·         2 carrots

·         2 small zucchini (or some other veg)

·         Olive oil

·         Whole grain mustard

·         1 bunch rosemary

·         Kosher salt and pepper

·         4 – 6 ounce boneless, skinless chicken breasts

·         4 1 quart resealable plastic freezer bags

Freeze

·         Quarter potatoes

·         Peel carrots

·         Cut carrots and zucchini into 2 inch sticks

·         Mix in a bowl with 2 tbsp olive oil, 2 tbsp mustard, 1 tbsp rosemary, ½ teaspoon salt and ¼ teas-spoon pepper.

·         Season the chicken with 1 teaspoon salt and ¼ teaspoon pepper.

·         Divide everything among 4 bags. Freeze until ready to cook – for up to 3 months.

Cook

·         Rush in house, dump coat on floor and leave work bags at the door – you aren’t doing any homework.

·         Race to kitchen and heat oven to 400F

·         Kick off your work shoes (careful not to nail the cat with them), rip off pantyhose and stretch toes.

·         Dig bag(s) of frozen chicken zucchini stuff out of freezer (ignore bag of peas you just ripped open)

·         Note: 1 bag is 1 human serving.

·         Get bottle of wine out of fridge at same time. Pour large glass – take first deep swig.

·         Dump contents of bag(s) into a baking dish. Jam into the oven (bugger whether it is at temperature or not)

·         Set timer and roast for 25 minutes (while lying on the couch getting gently and privately sauced – place work-related or self-help book on your lap to provide illusion that you are doing something worthwhile)

·         When timer rings, ask husband or child (6 or older) to toss the veggies and turn the chicken. Set timer for another 20 minutes or so – until chicken is cooked through.

·         Enjoy eaten from a plate on your lap, on the couch, while watching Downtown Abbey or Red Dwarf with the family.

·         (Note: children will be eating pepperoni sticks, grapes and cheese flavoured popcorn as they will not eat “mixed-up” food)